If you follow me on Instagram, you already know this news, but if you don't: a) why aren't you? and b) I'm growing out my bangs.
I got bangs in 2011, after thinking about it for close to a year. I loved those bangs. I loved them so hard. They became one of those "things" that made me, me. For a little over 5 years I rocked those bangs....and then, a few weeks ago my new hairstylist (her name is Elaine, she works at Matiz Salon in Ventura and I. LOVE. HER.) was like "hey, you should grow out those bangs: try something new" and I was like "okay, let's do this." And now, for the last few weeks I've been growing out my bangs.....because Elaine said so. (and she's a wizard and we all know I tend to listen to wizards.)
What I've learned? Growing out your bangs is the equivalent of a treadmill minute: IT TAKES FOREVER AND FEELS LIKE IT WILL NEVER END.
So today, I bring you:
The Five Stages of Growing Out Your Bangs
Brought to you by Harry Potter
Stage One: Excitement.
(Otherwise known as: blindly following your beloved hairstylist's advice)
Change! Glorious change! Time to let that forehead see sunlight for the first time in almost 6 years! What makes this even more elating? Allison Williams said on Snapchat (my username is ashtengoesleft) that SHE is growing out her bangs too! WE ARE BASICALLY TWINS RIGHT NOW. Now watch me whip, now watch me grow out my bangs!
Stage Two: Confusion.
(Otherwise known as: what do I do with this hair?)
This phase involves a lot of questions such as:
"How do I pin these bangs back and not look like a 6th grader?"
"How many hats can a person wear in one week before it states to look suspicious?"
"Why do I have so many wispy hairs that look like rat tails?"
"When did my forehead get so damn big?"
And this is when the process starts to feel REALLY long and never-ending.
Stage Three: Limbo.
(Otherwise known as: You're stuck.)
It was a Saturday night. I was going out to dinner with friends. I thought, "I'll just take my bangs down tonight, it will be fine they can't be that long." I took the bobby pins securing my bangs in place out of my head and.....my hair resembled Cameron Diaz's hair in "There's Something About Mary". It was hilarious but also reminded me that I'm basically stuck in "bang growing limbo" for a few more months. Note to self: you can train your hair to stay a certain way quicker than you think. There's no turning back now.
Stage Four: Annoyance.
At this point you'll want to chop your bangs off because you're over how long it's taking to grow them out. Do not do this. No matter how annoyed you are, step away from the scissors. Be patient and let those bangs grow. I repeat: do not try to cut your bangs yourself. Take it from me, someone who cut their bangs themselves out of pure annoyance and ended up with uneven bangs that are growing in at two difference lengths: this is not the route you want to take.
Stage Five: Acceptance.
Shake it off. Obsessively pin all the hairstyles you can pull off while growing out your bangs. Invest in more hats. Ask your hairstylist how fast hair grows so many times you're convinced she's blocked your number. Hairspray the shit out of your wispy baby hairs that are driving you so crazy you think about shaving them off daily. Hope your bangs grow out to a decent length before your boyfriend's cousin's wedding at the end of June. Accept that they won't and everyone will probably be staring at your forehead. Part your bangs down the middle and pin them there while you sleep and feel ridiculous. Accept this will be your hair for months.
Hair tips if you have them. Tips. All the tips people. We're in dire straits here. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.