Just Go Left

Finding Balance in the Least Graceful Way Possible

On My Heart, PersonalAshtenComment

I was driving to work the other day (it’s a 45 minute drive, which is another post for another day) and as I looked out my window at the ocean I thought: “I just want to soak up every moment of being here.”

When we moved home I promised myself I wouldn’t take it for granted: I would say yes more, I would open my home, open my heart, open my arms and be willing to step outside my comfort zone to embrace every experience. I told myself I would have more girls’ nights, spend more time outside, and choose life more.

We’ve been home for three weeks and our lives are already so full. There have been birthday parties, puppy sitting, dinners with friends, coffee dates and friends stopping by because they were "in the neighborhood". Our home is filled with love and laughter, which is exactly what we wanted. I find myself looking up and mouthing the words “thank you” more often because I’m just so grateful for the happiness and fullness of our lives right now. It’s been a whirlwind, in a good way.

I want to do it all: every beach walk, every coffee date, and every week-night dinner. I also want all the burritos. (Side note: Kyle’s friend texted us a few days ago and asked if there were any burritos left in Ventura and it was only then that we realized we may have over done it.)

But, these last three weeks have left me thinking a lot about balance. Not in the "green juice in one hand, cupcake in the other" kind of way, but more in the "can I do it all?" kind of way. 

A lot of my life has fallen to the wayside while I’ve been busy doing all the things, making all the plans and eating all the burritos apparently. My blog, for example, has completely fallen off, which has me feeling all kinds of sad. I have also struggled to meal plan/prep (something I did every week in Atlanta), which has resulted in a delightful little 8 pound post-move weight gain (maybe the burritos have something to do with this? Cannot confirm or deny). I haven’t done laundry on a regular basis, which has me feeling/looking frumpy. Kyle and I haven’t been spending as much quality time together, which is just hard in general but especially when one of your love languages is “quality time”.

I guess if I were to sum it up, I would say this move has been a shock to my system. It's like that feeling you get when you see a cop while driving: even if you aren't breaking the rules, a sudden jolt goes through your system and suddenly you feel super awake and alert. Coming down from that rush has left me running on empty.

As much as I hate to admit it: I need some “me” time. As much joy as being back with my people has brought me; these last three weeks have left me a little burnt out.

The truth is? We aren’t going anywhere any time soon. These experiences, these friends, this fullness; it’s not temporary. This is an ongoing happiness, but I need to find a way to balance it all: my job, my relationship with Kyle, Gatsby, friends, fitness and this blog (which I really, really want to focus on growing). When I lived in Atlanta I didn’t have this problem: since my social life was virtually non-existent, I had loads of time on my hands to manage it all. This whole balance thing has been the biggest adjustment for me so far. And truthfully, it’s not an adjustment I thought I would need to make. I thought I would be able to fit every piece of my life in Atlanta into the bigger, fuller California puzzle. And, it hasn’t worked out that way. It’s the one thing I never expected to be hard…but it’s been one of the hardest things for me so far.

My idea of balance isn’t graceful. It’s not warm and fuzzy but it’s not filled with extremes either. It’s me, stumbling through this completely different life dynamic, trying to find the best mixture of introverting and extroverting that I can. It’s embracing the fullness of our new chapter while maintaining the habits I formed in my previous one. Sometimes I feel like I’m stumbling through, knocking into things and getting bruises in the process, but I’m learning. I’m learning I can say yes more, choose life more AND finding time to work on me. But, it’s going to be glorious….glorious and full because at the end of the day, all that matters is being where I love with the people I love and working to be the best me I can be: the rest will figure itself out later.

Oh, and I’ll be doing this whole “finding balance” thing while drinking green juice and eating a cupcake. Come on, would expect anything else from me?